i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize