the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
