I looked at my own cervix.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
