you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
