she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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