this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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