remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
