guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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