This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
