I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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