Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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