I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
