come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize