Your tits are I can't wait for
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sext me about skeletons
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
