HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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