i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
