I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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