I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
