im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
