Umm I'm too high to move.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
