So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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