If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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