i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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