I wish I could teleport
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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