I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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