I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Vodka?
Forever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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