At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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