I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
