I wish my penis had an off switch
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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