So drunk, too bad you don't want this
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
