Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize