if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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