mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
