I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
