You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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