I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
