there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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