I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
