Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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