dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
