I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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