you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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