I think i peed on brittanys purse
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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