if you like me you must not know who I am
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
