They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
