If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
