Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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