I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
