I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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