I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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