So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
