Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
