You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
