A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
