We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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