My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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