Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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