it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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