I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
