and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize