So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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