I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
