Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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