I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
try to milk me bitch
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