I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
